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There’s a merry go round of infertility circulating in the waiting room, and whilst I thought I was naively the youngest one here I overhear a woman share that she was also born in 1992.
It’s 630 am in the heart of NYC and there’s already 12 women here. In my head I thought “A man could never” The patience, resilience and pain, a woman has to go through.
I’m anxiously waiting what I hope is my last scan and blood work before my trigger shot and pre-op. Words I have become all too familiar with throughout this process. Multiple times I question myself and this brave decision, yet deep down I have no doubts that it’s the right move before it’s to late.
This year even before finding out that my egg count was drastically low, I finally felt the notorious biological clock ticking. Maybe it was the pregnancy photos or newborn photos circulating my home feed on instagram, or noticing younger people pregnant all around-but it felt like the ticker was ticking and I had to do something about it.
I also know that the weight gain of 12 lbs isn’t fat and is mostly water, but what makes this part hard is that I’ve been eating as clean as possible to get my egg count and quality as high as possible. So whilst dreaming of croissant French toast topped with strawberries, and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies (potentially from Crumbl) I was opting for Salmon with sweet potato.
I was absolutely ravenous week 1 of this process, but by day 10/day 11 the hunger slowed down. My body needed more fuel and nutrients, and I listened. Instead of filling up on random sugar cravings that would leave me hungry in 2 minutes, I stuck to Whole Foods that would satiate me (fruit, veggies, protein etc).
One day I even drove 35 minutes to buy grilled chicken breast after convincing myself that I really didn’t need the Angel vanilla soft serve frozen yogurt with rainbow sprinkles.
After my appointment I went to walk around the park surrounded by more babies and strollers. As soon as I entered I saw this photographer taking photos of this beautiful couple and a cake smash celebration. It’s inevitable that I wonder if I will ever get to experience that with a partner holding my hand or wiping my tears.
I went through my pregnancy alone at 21, and really thought in my head that I would be married by 28 and have a baby or two by now, with a partner by my side and get to experience THAT experience.
As they say, you plan and god laughs.
I definitely (still) don’t have life figured out, any partner, or any clue to what the future holds BUT I can bravely say that as Aspen grows up and needs me less, I’m already starting to feel lonely and regretting putting dating on the back burner for so very long.
Xo M
