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It’s been a few days since my last post and I’m FINALLY starting to feel an ounce of creativity ( and maybe a boost of confidence) to write again. Part of the reason why I love to blog is because it allows me to be myself without judgement.
I’ve opened up about recovering from an eating disorder, rebuilding myself after a breakup and the list goes on and on. Recently I opened up about being ready to date again. I downloaded Hinge, and I downloaded Bumble with an open mind. Honestly the platforms backfired and spun me into a downward spiral. These “men” (mostly boys..) would chat me up and then fall off the grid the moment they found out I had a child (despite my profile STATING I have a child). Also if you use the words “dope” or “chill” in a conversation and have three (or even one?) mirror selfie – well you’ve made a large enough statement for yourself. A few days after I found myself sobbing in the shower (OK this isn’t the main cause I was sobbing in the shower..but take a hint from my last few posts as to why I was actually sobbing in the shower) and really had to take a step back and reset. I’ve came to the conclusion that I’m not ready to date again. Instead of trying to fill that void – I’m going to allow myself to feel upset (still) and not rush fate.
So now let’s jump right into the juicy details of my diet (or lack of) throughout this. When I struggled with bulimia, the struggle was far beyond a number on the scale. Instead of facing or recognizing my emotions, I would drown myself in food and release every emotion through purging. RATHER than allowing myself to feel these strong feelings and “be”. I believe an important part of “healing” from an eating disorder (especially bulimia) is to never feel restricted and allow yourself everything in moderation which is why I haven’t been posting many meals on here. I love F-Factor and the structure it provides, but I need to eat more intuitively and feel (more) comfortable around food rather than put up barriers which (almost) always lead to binging for me.
I’ve felt hesitant and slightly disappointed in myself to share this because SO many people stick to F-Factor and have success, but (as always) I want to remain 1000% transparent. It’s also important to recognize that my history isn’t a “normal case scenario”. I started to feel guilty eating Bananas, and labeled food such as oatmeal, and bread as “forbidden” while subbing cauliflower into any (and every) recipe I could find.
There’s a healthy balance between the two which I’m yet to find (and will be sure to share!) once I do.
