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I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to respond when people ask me what I do for work. Up until December that’s been an easy answer “Real Estate” stated with no further elaboration. Sometimes I’ll admit that I was on a top team with over 2 Billion in closed deals to date, but be quickly reminded that this was a failed gesture on my part.
It wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough, or because I didn’t work hard enough-it was mainly because I didn’t have the network of people to sell multi million dollar houses to. I have a lot of shame in typing that when all I have wanted is to be successful or maybe to feel successful. It’s not about outside validation, but about the validation to myself that I am actually good at something.
My 19 year old sister who goes to Cambridge and studies Archeology once said I was similar to the failed brother in the HBO show Succession. I can’t tell you which brother she was talking about because it’s not a show that I watch, and maybe that’s for the best. But they’re words I will never forget. Her words confirmed what I had already felt about myself for many years: a failure. The black sheep of the family. Someone who is never good enough for society’s standards of success.
Since throwing in the towel with Real Estate a few months ago, I have applied for countless jobs, asked myself what I’m doing with my life more times than not and worked tirelessly on my craft everyday. That means waking up at 3-4am before making my 10 year old his morning “Eggy Dip Dip and Soldiers” (Do they say that in America? or is it just a British thing?), writing on my blog, applying for brand deals, creating LTK posts, creating Youtube Videos, and teaching myself how to master editing. Of course, not all at once. But it never feels enough because i’m not working a traditional 9-5 job with a paycheck.
I heard Sahil Bloom say on a podcast yesterday that “The most dangerous person in the world is the person that can show up and continue to be disciplined even when the reward is uncertain and how tolerance for uncertainty is one of the single most important traits in the world- because if you can continue to show up and do the work on days when it’s not clear how it’s going to pay off you will eventually win”. It made me ponder about all of the times I have thrown in the towel, perhaps right about as I was on the brink of success.
I see people with steady careers, climbing the corporate ladder, and staying at the same company for countless years silently miserable, but I have bigger aspirations for myself and I truly believe that I can(and will) get there. Because whilst there’s this doubt of never being good enough in the back of my head, I have seen the numbers slowly grow. I have invested in myself emotionally and financially. I have evolved from being a Real Estate Agent, to being a Social Media Manager at a top marketing firm in NYC, to becoming a Content Creator.
I like to say content creator because within that is the many things that I do (write, edit, style, create videos etc) . I’ve also thought about opening up a nonprofit for Paraneoplastic Syndrome many times over. An expedition that i’m not quite ready to start on financially, but yet passionate about spreading awareness for.
So the truth is: I’m figuring it all out while balancing life as a single mother, battling Paraneoplastic Syndrome, and looking for my own happily ever after.
